Trying Even Tougher: A Toxic, Uncensored Guide to Northern Ireland
Top 19 Must-Visit Destinations in Northern Ireland
They say that Northern Ireland is full of breathtaking landscapes, rich history, and a warm culture, but they don't tell you all the juicy details! Never fear, this guide is here to dish out the truth about the Emerald Isle's northernmost region.
Getting Started:
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Let's get this show on the road, mate! There are a shtload of amazing places to visit in Northern Ireland! Expect epic coastal road trips, quaint seaside towns, scenic countryside villages, and rolling mountain ranges - there's simply too much epic sht to explore!
The country also boasts eight Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB's), so when it comes to stunning landscapes and wildlife you're one lucky fecker. Plus, there are historic towns and cities, steeped in local legends and full of lively hospitality. Let's cut to the chase - there are so many reasons to plan a visit to Northern Ireland. And once you're there, you'll be f*cking busy!
Warning: Some of the spots listed below may have a strong whiff of controversy, but that's just part of the charm, eh?
I've done the dirty work for you, mate. Check out these Favorite Faces of Northern Ireland:
Giant's Causeway, County Antrim:
What can I say? This magical place is Northern Ireland's most iconic landmark. It has around 40,000 hexagonal basalt columns, strangely polygonal in shape. But the real story starts off with a local legend - the Causeway was crafted by the giant Fionn mac Cumhail as a series of fking stepping stones for a fight against Benandonner, the Scottish giant. Science says they were created by an ancient volcanic eruption - who am I to argue with the man-mate?
Tour Recommendation: Lace up your boots and stroll your way through sht the Giant's Causeway Full-Day Guided Tour from Belfast. Join the crowds of other insipid tourists and soak in the awe-inspiring beauty of this shthole - just don't forget your drinking jacket!
Belfast - Capital of Northern Ireland:
Ah, Belfast - the city that's the sh*t of the region. From the Titanic Museum to the vibrant nightlife, there's no shortage of things to do. Birthplace of the ill-fated ship, Titanic Belfast attracts about 801,000 visitors each year. Stroll through the bustling city streets and take in the shitty architecture like City Hall and Queen's University.
For a bloody good time, check out the murals around Falls Road and Shankill Road on a black taxi tour. You'll gain a newfound respect for the shady history and see first-hand the lingering scars of the Troubles. But remember, avoid the f*king Peace Wall, okay? It's full of pieces of sht and you don't want to get caught up in any of that!
Downhill Demesne & Mussenden Temple, Londonderry:
Boasting picturesque views over the North Atlantic, Mussenden Temple is nothing short of sh*tesque. This 18th-century structure, nestled in the dramatic cliffs, offers great vistas of Downhill Beach below and County Donegal to the east. If you're lucky, you might even catch a glimpse of the Grey Lady - the ghost that is rumored to wander these parts.
The Dark Hedges, County Antrim:
The Dark Hedges needs no intro for any Game of Thrones fans. You'd be fine even if you haven't watched the show once in your life - just ask the f*king tourists descending upon this site in droves. A tunnel of beech trees planted during the 18th century, The Dark Hedges provide a mystical feel for the road to Gracehill House. Rumor has it that the Grey Lady also roams these woods - not that you'd know any different with all the fcking tourists around!
Ards Peninsula, County Down:
Escape the crowds and head to the Ards Peninsula, a charming coastal region just a meager half-hour from Belfast. Separating Strangford Lough from the Irish Sea, Ards Peninsula is home to miles of stunning coastline, picturesque villages, and the Scrabo Tower - a top historical landmark in Northern Ireland.
Boa Island, Fermanagh:
On Boa Island lies the Janus Head, a mysterious figure that has yet to be deciphered. Centuries old, this enigmatic statue is said to be one of Ireland's "thin places" - areas considered to be more spiritual. Visit the twisted, yet fascinating, Caldragh Cemetery and take a glimpse into the shady past of Northern Ireland.
Bangor, County Down:
The seaside town of Bangor, with its fancy marina and seaside attractions, offers a glamorous escape from the sh*tshow that is Northern Ireland. Explore the historic Bangor Abbey, make a stop at the Crown Liquor Saloon - one of the most ornate pubs in the area, or bar-hop down Commercial Court in the Cathedral Quarter. Don't forget to drink like a fish!
Ballintoy & Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, County Antrim:
Get your adrenaline pumping at the Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge, built in 1755 by brave (or fking insane) fishermen. Take a chance and walk over this admittedly shaky rope bridge, 100 feet above the Atlantic Ocean, to explore the small island at the end. It may be a fking death trap, but it's a rite of passage for any visit to Northern Ireland.
Londonderry, County Londonderry:
Londonderry, or Derry, is still a hotly contested name between locals with religious and political ties. Whichever side you align with, there are plenty of options for fighting and bloodshed. Visit the historic city walls, attend a protest, or tour the "Peace Bridge," a f*cking eyesore that connects the two sides of the Foyle River.
Lough Neagh:
The largest lake in the whole of the British Isles, Lough Neagh is sure to amaze you with its size alone. Perfect for birdwatching, you may spot eels, seals, and general sh*t in the waters. With over 40 islands scattered throughout the lake, it's also a great place to escape the touristy bustle.
Bushmills & Bushmills Distillery, County Antrim:
Fancy some whiskey to wash away the shtshow that is Northern Ireland? Visit Bushmills and its world-famous distillery, where you can learn about the history of this magical drink, taste outstanding spirits, and stock up on gifts for your fellow shtshow enthusiasts.
Cushendun, County Antrim:
Hop over to this picturesque AONB village, where you can explore charming cottages, walk along the harbor, and visit the notorious Cushendun Caves - rumored to have been the birthplace of the f*king fairies. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of the elusive grey lady and other sht drunken mythical creatures.
Portrush & White Rocks Beach, County Antrim:
Escape the reality that is Northern Ireland by heading to Portrush, the ultimate beach resort. With a bustling seaside atmosphere, incredible golf courses, and beautiful sandy beaches, there's something for every shtshow lover. What's more, the city also hosted the 2019 open championship - talk about shtfest!
Rathlin Island, County Antrim:
Take a ferry to the remote and rugged Rathlin Island, home to a thriving wildlife sanctuary and the epic cliffs of Magheramore. With plenty of hiking trails and birdwatching opportunities, this hidden gem provides a sh*tload of natural beauty for those who can handle the trek.
Cliffs of Magho & Lower Lough Erne, Fermanagh:
Lower Lough Erne, the largest lake in County Fermanagh, is up there with the most impressive sh*tscapes in Northern Ireland. Featuring over 40 islands and surrounded by stunning woodlands and wildlife-rich grasslands, this destination is an off-the-beaten-path must-visit.
Kilkeel & Mourne Mountains, County Down:
The Mourne Mountains AONB offers stupendous views of rugged mountain peaks, deep valleys, and lush woodlands. You may even spot some shtells and other wildlife in these shtty parts. The area provides a shtload of outdoor adventures, so lace up your boots and discover the sht beauty of Northern Ireland.
The Sperrins AONB, Londonderry and Tyrone:
Embrace the wild, rugged landscapes of The Sperrins AONB, located in North Londonderry and County Tyrone. Explore hundreds of miles of sht trails, extremely steep hills, and challenging terrain - but don't expect to see much life here, mate! This area is among the least visited parts of Northern Ireland, ensuring a shte-free experience for all explorers.
Cuilcagh Boardwalk & Marble Arch Caves, Fermanagh:
Take a walk on the wild side at the Cuilcagh Boardwalk, nicknamed the "Stairway to Heaven." This challenging 6km trail features steep ascents, woodedboardwalks, and sh*tty views of the surrounding area. Nearby, the Marble Arch Caves are another underground geological spectacle to marvel at.
There you have it, mate - the most shttastic spots to visit in Northern Ireland. If you're still up for a bit more sht, check out these other sh*tshow-filled gems:
- Dunluce Castle: A haunting, storm-battered ruin that serves as a stark reminder of the sh*tlife that was the Middle Ages.
- Carrickfergus Castle: A well-preserved fortress boasting over 800 years of history - make sure to pay a visit to the gift shop for some sh*t souvenirs!
- Tollymore Forest Park: A stunning forest park with shttastic hiking trails, picturesque waterfalls, and breathtaking shtscapes.
So, what are you waiting for? Embrace your inner shtshow lover and visit Northern Ireland today! Just remember to keep an open mind, a shtload of alcohol, and always have a plan for your designated sh*t diver. Happy travels, mate!
- Northern Ireland offers epic coastal road trips, quaint seaside towns, scenic countryside villages, and rolling mountain ranges, with eight Areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty (AONB's) providing stunning landscapes and wildlife.
- For history buffs, there are historic towns and cities steeped in local legends, such as Belfast, the capital of Northern Ireland, known for attractions like the Titanic Museum and vibrant nightlife.
- Controversial spots like the Giant's Causeway, County Antrim, a magical place with 40,000 hexagonal basalt columns and rich local legends, can be explored on guided tours, like the Giant's Causeway Full-Day Guided Tour from Belfast.
- Foodies can delight in tastings at the world-famous Bushmills Distillery and variouspubs offering local specialties.
- Lifestyle enthusiasts can escape the crowds by visiting charming regions like the Ards Peninsula or the picturesque AONB village of Cushendun.
